"I'd like to be under the sea in an octupus's garden in the shade."
new decision!

this is my...ahahha, this is funny. my "grahics xanga". that sounds so funny. im used to "graphics journal". what i hate is that how people from xanga and livejournal just hate each other. do they realize that its pretty much the same thing? apparantly not. i like using livejournal better, honestly. shame that most of you would probably disagree with me. i dont care actually.

so this is my graphics xanga. whatever. gah. its just better on livejournal...making avatars for livejournal is what i do all the time. wallpapers and headers/banners. but for xanga? its more of a layouts thing. so here's what i'll do. im gonna un-friends only my graphics journal and its just easier that way.

have a cheerio
--churchill blues
[forever in a day]

"You can never reach enlightenment if you do not believe you are worthy."
[feeling--_contemplative]

my rants. i want to leave. i dont belong. you know it. i want to live on a higher plane of existance. travel the universe. you may think im insane. i just want to go.

does anyone remember that? i do. because that's how i've been feelings. odd isnt it, no matter what happens, i still feel like utter and complete shit. ah. but whatever.

I've done it. I've finally done it. I've shared my reason for wanting ascension with someone, but it wasnt who was expected. well, i did share it with that person, but not the whole story. ______ was the first to know everything. but i hope it doesnt come across as a damn teenage angst story.
[excerpt from my personal journal]

i want out. i want ascension. to live on a higher plane of existance. to die, but not dying. to live, but not on earth. to live as a spirit.

do any of you guys know this is from meridian? [go stargate]
do any of you guys know how much i relate to daniel in this episode?
do any of you guys know that i would give my life to save millions?
do any of you guys know that i would jump a bullet for you, even if i didnt like you?

 [click for larger image]

 [click to go to site]

"You have an effect on people, Daniel. The way you look at things, it changed me too. I see what really matters. I don't know why we wait to tell people how we really feel. I guess I hoped that you always knew." -sam carter[stargate sg-1]

ascension...my form of suicide.

"The people closest to you have been trying to tell you that you have made a difference. That you did change things for the better."

"The future is never certain. You saved many without regard for your own life."

DANIEL-You're leaving? You can't leave.
OMA-The rest is up to you.
DANIEL-Why, why me? Why, why give me this chance?
OMA-Anyone can reach enlightenment. Anyone prepared to open their mind as you did when you first came to Kheb.
DANIEL-They're trying to save me. They're healing me, I can feel it.
OMA-Then your journey will continue as before.
DANIEL-What if I don't want it to? Not that way.
OMA-Walking the Great Path brings great responsibility. You cannot fear it nor hesitate in your resolve.
DANIEL-I understand. I'm ready to go with you.
OMA-Then stop them.
DANIEL-How?
O'NEILL-Daniel?
DANIEL-Yeah.
O'NEILL-Did you want something?
DANIEL-Yeah. Tell Jacob to stop.
O'NEILL-Why?
DANIEL-Because I'm ready to move on.
O'NEILL-You just giving up?
DANIEL-No. No, I'm not giving up, believe me.
DANIEL-You remember Oma?
O'NEILL-Sure.
DANIEL-I think I can do more this way. It's what I want. I have to go now. Everything's gonna be fine. Please, Jack. Tell Jacob to stop.
DANIEL-I'm gonna miss you guys.
O'NEILL-Yeah, you too.
DANIEL-Thank you. For everything.
O'NEILL-So, what? See you around?
DANIEL-I don't know.
O'NEILL-Hey… where are you going?
DANIEL-I don't know.

ascended...just like that.

have a cheerio
--churchill blues
[forever and a day]

"The only reason I get up in the morning is to see if my luck's changed. And it never bloody has."
[feeling--_cynical]

i dont think im very cynical at the moment. psha. well anyways, this is how one spends their fourth of july. GO BOWLING. fsck fireworks, which are, of course, a past time and a highly favored sign of it being the fourth, that and barbecue, which was what we had for lunch [ah. that was what ruined my angry american, no declaration of "happy fourth of july", but having the barbecue was something that declared it] and plus, firewords are overrated. anyway. im telling you, bowling is the way to go. trust me. especially when the best bowler there is someone who gets mad when he doesnt get his strikes. teeheehee and when he does, all goes well. then the second best bowler there is a hopper. ^_^ and that wasnt me. i was probably the worst one out of the 4 of us [ironic, isnt it? fourth of july. 4 of us...probably not ironic. i dont know] anyway. i was a fscking crazy bowler. sometimes i'd bowl good. then i'd get zeroes two frames in a row. whatever. i dont really care. im getting better. at least i can bowl with my left hand, take that bitch. and im right handed. fsck. im going bowling again. i dont know when, but i'll go. im getting better each and every day. ahahaha.

does anyone remember, from SG, the last time we went bowling? teeheehee. that was the best, aye. jeezus, i fscking sucked my ass off. annie marked her territory. ahahah. oh well. julie? my entries? eloquent? sure. anyway. i should be reading life of pi right now. or i should be cleaning. and i should stop updating my "life" to those few who can read this.

but do i do any of that? ok. i do the reading. shut up. i love reading. so you ass butt monkeys better...i dont know.

have a cheerio
--churchill blues

and to anyone who cares, my other sn is[phnyxbeatlemania]and i continue on and sing london calling

does anyone know that one of the best books ever is[the perks of being a wallflower] and [a pessimist's guide to life]
i incredibly recommend those books. read my minions, read.

"Per amore, hai mai spesso tutto quanto, la ragione, it tuo orgoglio fino al pinato? Lo sai stasera resto, non ho nessun pretesto, soltanto una mania che resta forte e mia dentro quet'anima che strappi via. E te lo dico adesso, sincero con me stesso, quanto mi costa non saperti mia. E sarebbe come se tutto questo mare annegasse in me."
[feeling--_quixotic]

not really. just like the picture. well maybe i am. i dunno. anyway
i have two tests tomorrow. oh whoop di do. math test, which im studying for right now, and my in-class essay, which i have to make my outline for. oh yay.
played piano earlier..um...memory from cats. good song.
ok, im ticked off at my computer. my speakers arent frikkin working, and i need to listen to some songs by johnny hodges for me jazz band final.
yay for band, no playing final, thank god. i would have done so bad. i dont know why people want playing finals. ugh.
and i hate my section. not all of them, some of them. JEEZUS, yay for switching to trombone. but i dont wanna deal with the fuckass's shit. sorry for the language. eh, got joe's little sister to talk to. and anil...hahahha.
listening to my italian cd right now. im listening to it straight from the drive. not the speakers. and my sister is listening to rubber soul. oh man, thats my favorite beatles record ever. such good songs.
i wish i could have band as awesome as the beatles were, but i dont think that will ever happen. they were such an original band...
yes. kris finally owned up to the name luigi!
hahahha.

ascolta il tuo cuore se batte,
guarda dove corri e fermati,
ascolta il dolore de mondo;
siamo persi per la via,
orfani di vita,
macchine da guerra,
ma perche?

eh. im bored. hhahah. that sounds like a ukelele!

have a cheerio
--churchill blues

"What came first-the music or the misery? Did I listen to music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to music? Do all those records turn you into a melancholy person?"
[feeling--_contemplative]

i've just been thinking about a lot of things lately. why people act the way they do, hurting themselves and hurting others. why people assume and jump to conclusions. why people speak their opinons and beliefs if no one listens to them. and sometimes i wonder what the world would be like if some people didnt exist. if the world would be a better place. or if the world would sink to ruins. i wonder what would happen if the US wasnt a democracy. what would happen to the rights of many people. how lives would just be different. so im thankful for this. but i still wonder. why people act like they do. why they hurt people. why they hurt themselves. maybe its just human nature. maybe people just act the way they do. maybe there's no possible answer for it. but sometimes, it could just be the way they think they should. the way society "molded" their personality to make them something that they arent. the way people change themselves to please the people around them, but not themselves. they may think that they are, but they really arent. and i just find that sad. people have the right to be who they are, what they are, how they act, and to take that away from them, its just cruel. so if people have to change who they are to fit it, they arent being true to themselves. especially if they are just doing that to make someone like them. you arent gaining true friends.
maybe. just maybe. if everyone just acted like themselves, the world could be a better place. but some people, who they are, its just annoying. and they continually get annoying. like an endless train, and you're waiting at the light. just waiting. and waiting. for the train to go by. but it never ends. just like annoyances that never stop.
and the media. all focused on the materialistic things. like dean mentioned when i was talking to him. there's a war going on, a war that i dont support much, even though i have no choice but to pray for the lives of soldiers and everyone involved, and what does the media talk about? britney spears getting married in vegas. how is that important to us? not very important. there are other things going on in the world, even though it is being talked about all the time. there are things we need to know. and if you dont wanna learn about those things, dont watch the news.
so i gonna put the lyrics to a song. a song that should seriously make you think.

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrasment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons there are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin.
So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change, I'm going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm going to be just like you; the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nineto-five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.

have a cheerio

--churchill blues

p.s.
People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shite, which is not to be ignored, but what they forget -is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. Take the best orgasm you ever had, multiply it by a thousand and you're still nowhere near it. When you're on junk you have only one worry: scoring. When you're off it you are suddenly obliged to worry about all sorts of other shite. Got no money: can't get pished. Got money: drinking too much. Can't get a bird: no chance of a ride. Got a bird: too much hassle. You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never fucking winds, about human relationships and all the things that really don't matter when you've got a sincere and truthful junk habit.
-Mark 'Rent-Boy' Renton +\\[trainspotting]